The Empire Strikes Back - A Parody
by Super Tinfoil Man Part 2
Summary: Dang, it is time for The Empire to strike back after letting that farm boy destroy the Death Star right ? Well, strike back they do with Darth Vader causing trouble for Luke, Han , Leia and the gang. Spoiler alert ! Darth Vader announces that hes Luke s dad at the end of the story, hope that didn t ruin it for you. Another parody to add in the soup of the SW section.
1. Luke gets punched in the face

**The Empire Strikes Back ** - A Parody by _Super Tinfoil Man _

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_AN - I do not own Star Wars_ _

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A long time ago , in a galaxy, far, far away...

**IT** **IS** **A DARK TIME FOR THE REBELLION.**. **WITH THE DEATH STAR BEING THE LEAD MANUFACTURER IN LIGHT BULBS, THERE`S JUST DARK TIMES ALL AROUND NOW ISN'T THERE ! WAY TO GO REBELLION ! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW WITH NO LIGHT BULBS ? BET YOU'LL THINK TWICE BEFORE DESTROYING A SPACE STATION EH ? ANYWAY, WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT AGAIN ? OH YA ! O.K , A GROUP OF FREEDOM FIGHTERS LED BY...O.K, WAIT A SECOND...THESE FREEDOM FIGHTERS WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO BE THE REBELS WOULD THEY ? ANYWAY, THEY ARE LED BY LUKE SKYWALKER, WHO DECIDED TO SET UP A SECRET BASE ON THE REMOTE ICE PLANET OF HOTH, WHY DID THEY LISTEN TO THIS KID ?**

**THE SUPER EVIL LORD , DARTH VADER, WHO IS OBSESSED WITH FINDING THIS SKYWALKER , HAS DISPATCHED THOUSANDS OF PROBES IN THE FAR REACHES OF SPACE...**

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The planet Hoth sat there in space like a big, useless chunk of ice. Approaching out of the darkness of space was a deadly looking Imperial Star Destroyer.

**... SORRY, ITS ME AGAIN, THE OPENING SCROLL. I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT DARTH VADER IS REALLY PISSED OFF NOW AFTER GETTING EMBARRASSED BACK BEFORE THE DEATH STAR BLEW UP. O.K, BACK TO THE STORY...**

The Star Destroyer made a grunting noise then shit out a few probes out of its backside. One of the probes zipped towards Hoth, where the other probes went remains a mystery to this day.

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**THE PLANET HOTH - DAYTIME**

Luke Skywalker rode his quick Tauntaun through a rocky slope through snow and more snow. He stopped his riding lizard when he spotted something flashing through the sky. He took off his snow covered goggles and wiped the snow off his macrobinoculars. He saw the probe make impact in the snow and throw more snow into the air. He wiped the snow off of his special wrist communicator and moved his lips in front of it, words soon followed.

" Echo Three to Echo Seven, Han old buddy do you copy ? "

" Yo, dis be Echo Five, word up Lukewalker ! "

" Sorry Echo Five, " Luke rolled his eyes , " I was looking for Echo Seven. "

" This is Echo Seven, " Han responded, not sounding too pleased, " Remember when we came up with these cool code names to call each other on this mission kid ? "

" Yeah, " Luke smiled , " You like them ? "

" I really couldn't care either way, if somebody was listening in they'd know somebody was down here anyway. But that`s not the worst part, the first thing you say is , Echo Three to Echo Seven, HAN old buddy do you copy ? See anything wrong with that sentence Luke ? "

Luke rubbed the snow off of his face and decided to change the subject, " I saw a meteorite hit the ground nearby, I`m going to check it out. "

" No problem, I'm headin back to base , oh and Luke..."

" Ya ? "

" Stop wasting the batteries on these things! " Han yelled a few meters away on his own Tauntaun.

Luke nodded and punched his Tauntaun in the back of the head, his lizardmobile ran off in the direction of the meteorite. His Tauntaun soon became irritated and jumpy. Luke tried to calm the lizard down by rubbing its side.

" Whats wrong old girl ? Tits frozen ? " Luke reached down to feel the Tauntauns tits but it was too late, a huge Wampa beast punched Luke in the face and knocked him out, the non Jedi fell to the ground. The Wampa grabbed the Tauntaun next and gave it a Stone Cold stunner, the Wampa then quickly crawled next to the knocked out Tauntaun yelling obscenities at it.

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**INSIDE** **THE BRAND NEW REBEL BASE HEADQUARTERS**

General Reekman watched Han Solo walk into the command center, he quickly turned off his Minecraft game to a view of the planets orbit.

" Solo. "

" No signs that say LIFE out there general. " Han reported while trying to stick his chest out more than the Generals.

" And I thought that Skywalker kid was dumb, holy shit. " The General shook his head, he quickly saw how much that comment hurt Solo so he quickly tried to boost his confidence, " listen, I didn't mean that. Without you guys we would definitely be sitting ducks out here. In fact, without you Solo, I don't think the Rebellion could survive. I'm glad you decided to stay with us after all. You are going to be one great leader Solo, heck, you already are a great leader. "

" General, I've got to leave. I cant stay anymore. "

" You are one true asshole Han Solo. " The General grumbled then returned to his game.

Han dug his hands in his pockets and strolled over to Princess Leia who was busy checking her E mail account.

" Well, I guess this is it. "

" That's right. " She responded, not even looking in his direction.

Han screwed up his face and tried his best Han Solo the smuggler impression while tilting his head slightly to the right, " Well, don't get all smushy on me princess, goodbye ! "

Han marched out of the command center after a quick baton twirl. Leia jumped up and ran after him in the hallway.

" HAN ! "

Han turned to face the wrath of Leia. " Yes, your Highnessnessnessness ? "

" I thought you decided to stay. " Han said, staring a hole through her.

" Well, the bounty hunter we ran into on...wait a second , " Leia laughed , " I think we got our lines mixed up. "

" No, that's not it ! Come oooon ! Ahhhh ! " Han pointed to his puckering lips.

" I need ? I don't know what your talking about. " Leia said, full of confusion.

Han pointed to his lips and made kissing noises, " You want to kiss me. "

" I think you might have a brain injury Han. " Leia shook her head in disgust and walked back to the command center.

" YOU COULD USE A GOOD KISS ! " Han roared down the hall, red faced. Chewbacca quickly turned the corner and gave Han a hard kiss right on the lips.

Han wiped his mouth off , " Not you old buddy. "

Chewbacca let out some muffled growls.

" No, we don't knock out our mates in the human world pal. " Han laughed.


	2. Wampa Wars

**THE EMPIRE** **STRIKES** **BACK** - A PARODY - by _Super Tinfoil Man_

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**Chapter 2-** _Wampa Wars -_

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**HOTH REBEL BASE - MAIN HANGAR**

Han and Chewbacca were on top of The Mellenium Falcon doing more repairs on the ship that will never be totally fixed, ever. Han was busy welding panels on random sections of the hull, while Chewbacca was busy cutting away panels some idiot kept welding to the hull.

" Wait, " Han whipped off his welding goggles as he spied Chewbacca ripping off a panel, " why are you ripping off that panel I just welded on there ?! " Han threw a space wrench at his Wookie slave as Threepio and R2-D2 rolled up to the ship.

" Excuse me sir ! " The golden droid called out.

" Put it back right now ! " Han screamed as he searched for more things to throw.

" Might I have a word with you, please ? "

" What do you want ? "

" Well, princess Leia has been trying to reach you on the communicator. "

" Are you serious ?! I was JUST TALKING to her in the hallway ! Right over there ! " Han pointed to the hallway entrance near The Falcon, " She can walk 25 seconds from the command center to here ! Jesus ! Is she THAT lazy ? "

" Well, the princess has been wondering about Master Luke. " Threepio waved his arms around to make his point.

" What about him ? "

" Well, he hasn't come back yet, nobody knows where he is. "

" What do you mean - nobody knows. - ? " Han turned and watched the fading light at the hangar entrance.

" What do you mean, what do you mean - nobody knows - ? " Threepio replied.

" What do you mean, what do you mean, what do you mean - nobody knows- ? "

" Nobody knows, the trouble I`ve seen..." Threepio began to sing but Han jumped down off of The Falcon and covered the droids mouth.

" Deck officer ! Deck officer ! " Han roared.

" Yes sir, " A serious bearded guy came running, " are you having trouble here ? " The bearded officer kept checking the front of Han`s pants.

Han slapped his hands away, " What are you doing ?! "

" You called for the Dick Officer, I`m in charge of penis health in the hangar bay. "

" Get the hell outta here ! I need the DECK officer ! DECK officer ! "

Han noticed Chewie waving for the Dick officer to go to him, he reminded himself to have a talk with Chewie later.

" Yes sir ? "

" Do you know where commander Skywalker is ? " Han growled.

" No, but it feels like you need to give it better ventilation. " The officer said as he felt the front of Han`s pants. Han punched out the second Dick officer.

" That's it ! " Han screamed, " give me one of those damn Tauntauns ! "

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**INSIDE AN ICE CAVE - HOTH**

Luke slowly opened his eyes and adjusted to the upside down view of the cave interior. He was hanging by his feet from the cave ceiling, the Wampa creature had taken several careful hours freezing Luke's feet into the ceiling instead of just killing him right away. He clawed at his feet with his hands but the ice didn't give way to his girl nails. He spotted his lightsaber sticking out of the snow below him, Luke reached out but couldn't quite reach the Jedi weapon. He could hear the massive, white beast taking a piss and humming a tune around the corner.

" How am I going to escape ? " Luke said to himself.

He searched his pockets, he found a back scratcher, he threw it away. He then found a hand blaster, he threw that away too. He found a book entitled - 242 Ways to Escape An Ice Cave if a Wompa Drags you There and Hangs You by your Feet - Luke threw the book away. He then found his macrobinoculars, he quickly unscrewed one glass lens and tossed it by the cave entrance, the sunlight bounced off of the lens right towards Luke, he used the remaining lens to focus the beam of concentrated light towards his feet.

The Wompa beast started making his way towards Luke, it stomped and growled as it anticipated a great meal. Luke tried to concentrate the light beam faster but only produced one droplet of water so far. The Wompa reached out with his massive paw now as he stood next to the Lukesicle , Luke closed his eyes, expecting searing pain to follow...

But the Wompa reached down under Luke, he took the lightsaber out of the snow and studied it closely, he sniffed it a couple of times.

" Cool ! " The Wampa cried as he activated the green laser sword, he started whirling the sword around the air like he was a Jedi Master. The Wompa threw the laser sword in the air and did a little backflip to catch it, but he missed. The sword cut the Wampa beasts arm off at the shoulder. It roared and cried as it ran off out of sight nursing its severed stump.

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**5 hours later -**

Luke fell to the ground as his concentrated sunlight trick worked. He grabbed his lightsaber and ran out of the ( now ) safe ice cave that had great shelter and Wompa meat for food.

The Wompa beast leaned on the ice wall moaning and whimpering.

" You too eh ? " Another Wompa said to him as he displayed his no arms.

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**INSIDE HOTH MAIN REBEL BASE**

General Reekman walked up to a concerned Leia, who was furiously chewing her nails, she had cut them off first and wrapped them in a fajita shell, she then added lettuce, tomatoes and salsa, she preheated the nail fajita to 350 then sprinkled on some cheddar cheese. Reekman was holding some blueprints , " Y`know this whole underground base idea was really swell but I think I found a slight design flaw. "

" Ya ? What is it ? " Leia asked with her mouth full.

" Well, " Reekman turned the blueprint over, " we are completely hidden from the outside world, except for our huge , over the top, shield generator that's sticking out of the ground by a 165 feet. "

Leia spit her nail fajita all over Reekman.

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**HOTH - OUTSIDE THE ICE CAVE**

Luke braved the strong snowstorm, every step was nearly impossible now until finally he fell in a heap, 5 feet away from the ice cave exit from where he escaped.

" Whoa -ooo- whoa -ooo. "

Luke lifted his head a little to see a scary ghost waving his arms around in the distance.

" You will go to the Degobah system, there you might pick up a couple of pointers in a one or two day training session from Master Yoda. " Obi-Ghost commanded.

" Ben...Ben ! " Luke reached out with his hand.

" I`m not supposed to do this Luke, but Ill help you keep warm with my ghostly Jedi robe. " The Obi-Ghost started to disrobe but was suddenly run over by Hans Tauntaun.

Luke passed out.

" Luke ! " Han yelled as he jumped off his Tauntaun.

" Come on kid, stay with me ! " Han slapped Luke in the face.

" Honk ! WARNK ! " The Tauntaun protested, Han gave it a dirty look.

" Maybe if I pee on you, you`ll stay warm. " Han peed on Lukes face but it only made Luke mutter about The Degobah system.

" WAFRNK ! WANK ! " The Tauntaun protested again.

" The whole trip you've been bitching ! " Han roared as he snatched up Lukes lightsaber, he twirled it once then chopped a huge gash out of the Tauntauns side. Han started to get cold so he crawled inside the dead Tauntaun, he put a blanket over Luke first though.

The blanket blew off .


	3. Take it easy

**The** **Empire** **Strikes** **Back** - A Parody - By Super Tinfoil Man +

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Chapter 3 - _Take_ it _easy_ ! -

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**HOTH** - NEXT MORNING

Snowspeeders skimmed over the snow covered landscape and rocky hillsides of Hoth. Rouge Two broke away and lost his three teammates that have been following him since they left the hangar.

" This is Rouge Two , this is Rouge Two. Captain Solo, do you copy ? Commander Skywalker , do you copy ? Did I mention this is Rouge Two ? " Rouge Two did a corkscrew move just avoiding a jagged cliff face.

" Rouge Two , execute Order 66 . " A hooded figure appeared as a hologram on his dash board.

" Damn pop-ups. " Rouge Two deleted the old program.

His radio came to life , full of static and noise.

" Hey, thanks for dropping by, " Han Solo barked sarcastically on the radio that put a huge grin on Rouge Two`s face, " and thanks for waiting until 11:30 to come searching for us, we don't matter that much to come searching at the crack of dawn I guess. You guys are complete assholes, do you know how..."

Rouge Two`s grin vanished as he cut off Han`s signal and opened a channel to home base, he then announced that he found Han and Luke, he mentioned his name several times to remind them who found Solo and Skywalker, it was indeed the ultra heroic Rouge Two, I repeat , Rouge Two.

Han raised the middle finger to Rouge Two as he flew by overhead. Rouge Two`s snowspeeder then crashed into the nearby hillside. Flames shot high into the air and snowspeeder parts landed all around a very disappointed Han Solo.

The Wampa Beast came out of his ice cave near the top of the hill, he was still rubbing his severed arm stump that he cut off with Luke's lightsaber, a flaming snowspeeder wing flew by him, chopping his other arm off.

Another snowspeeder landed next to Han with an unconscious Luke laying down next to him. The lone pilot opened his cockpit and directed Han to get in the back part of the cockpit with Luke. Han sat down and tried to squeeze Luke in the cockpit on top of him, the cockpit wouldn't close as it kept slamming down on Luke's arm.

" Dammit ! " Han growled , " do they have Bacta tanks back at the base ? "

" Yep. " The pilot responded.

" Good. " Han grabbed Luke's arm and bent it in the opposite direction, the arm popped and snapped loudly as he tucked it inside the cockpit. It was enough for the cockpit to close and they were off.

" This is Rouge Five , returning to base with Captain Solo and Commander Skywalker, I repeat this is Rouge Five returning to base, I repeat this is Rouge Five , Rouge Five is alive, Rouge Five in da house ,Woot woot ! R-O-U-G-E Five ! "

" You snowspeeder pilots are jackasses. " Han muttered , buried under a frozen, twisted pile of Luke Skywalker.

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**HOTH** - INTERIOR BASE - MEDICAL ROOM

Threepio and Artoo entered the room as Luke was sitting up in his bed, he smiled at them as they entered. His face was still covered in nasty cuts.

" Master Luke, it is so good to see you up and functioning ! " Threepio screamed in his good cheering way.

Artoo bleeped something but was ignored.

Han and Chewbacca tried to enter the room at the same time but became wedged in the doorway, the laugh track laughed then clapped. But the situation escalated when it seemed they would be wedged there forever.

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4 **HOURS** LATER

After a crew of ten had to laser cut the door open and resuscitate Solo, the smuggler strolled over to Luke's bedside like nothing just happened for 4 long , tension filled hours.

" How are you feeling kid. ? You don`t look so bad to me, hell, I bet you could pull the dick off a Rancor . Wait, that's not how it goes. " Han looked for help from Chewbacca.

" Oh, " Han smirked, " a Gundark. You could pull the dick on a Gundark. "

Chewie growled a few times.

" Ears ? Oh. "

" Ugh, " Luke groaned , stretching his arm, " that Wompa did a number on my arm. "

" Ha ! " Han slapped his own mouth, " those Wompas are mean ? "

Luke eyed Han suspiciously. Leia strolled into the room, full of herself.

Han spun around with as much pirate swagger as he could muster, he leaned on Luke's bed and cocked his head back a little , " Arg ye wench ! Ye be ..." Han bit his lip and decided that he took the pirate talk a little too far there , " Well, Princess ! It looks like you managed to keep me around a little while longer. "

" Don't be a dick, General Reekman thinks its dangerous for any..."

" Dick ! I just remembered something ! " Han barked, suddenly very irritated and red faced , " what is the deal with all the Dick officers in the hangar ? "

Chewbacca let out a pleasant muffle.

" Sorry , " Leia displayed a wicked grin, " we had an excess of officers in our Gay Rebel Division. I put them in the hangar to annoy you. "

" It worked. " Han scowled.

Rouge 5 entered the room holding up a pair of nice, black dress socks. He held them a little higher and announced , " This is Rogue 5 , I found em ! I repeat , I found em ! Rouge 5 ." The jackass pointed to himself, then the socks. Everyone ignored him.

Han turned his attention back to Leia, " Good story, but I just think you can't let a gorgeous guy like me outta yer sight . "

" I don't know where you get your delusions, laser brain. "

At Leias halarious joke, Chewbacca lost it laughing, Wookie style. The back of his massive head caved in the wall behind him.

" Laugh it up , Fuzz ball ! But you didn't see us in the south passage. " Han smirked. Luke sat up quickly in the bed with tears in his eyes, he gave Leia a worried look.

" She expressed her true feelings for me . " Han wrapped his arm around Threepio.

Leia turned red , " Why you scruffy looking, half witted , ass munching , clit wart sniffing , rectum riding , cock smoking , masterbaiting fudge packing, nipple hair grooming, ASS PIRATE ! "

" Hey, " Han took offense, " who's scruffy lookin ? "

" Well, I guess you don't know everything about women, do you ? " Leia shot Han a dagger look and pushed past him to Luke's bed. She leaned over and started necking with the farm boy.

Everyone stood in silence as Leia and Luke created loud smacking noises with their lips. Han shuffled his feet and looked at them.

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1 **HOUR** 25 MINUTES **LATER**.

Luke and Leia relaxed under the covers, drenched in sweat and naked. Luke lit a death stick and leaned in and kissed her cheek, he burned her eyebrow by accident. He drank a glass of water but it dribbled out of his badly cut cheek.

" That didn't help my arm. " Luke complained as he stretched it, but then noticed Han, Chewbacca, Threepio , R2 and Rouge 5 still standing in the room, all with a shocked expressions, even the droids.

An alarm sounded in the hallway , followed by an announcement over the loudspeakers , " Headquarters personnel , report to uhhh, report to , to you know ! The place where we meet sometimes ! " The message repeated .

Leia ran out of the room, after everyone watched her getting dressed. Han was the last to leave, he shot a relaxed Luke a look , " Take it doggy style , I MEAN , take it easy ! Take it easy ! "

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**COMMAND** CENTER

General Reekman quickly waved Han and Leia over to his monitor, " Han, Leia, we have a visitor. "

They ran over to the monitor.

" We've picked up an enemy blip outside our base. " Reekman pointed to the screen, he was playing Halo 4.

" Don`t let him get our flag, noob ! " Leia growled.

" Aw , " Han shook his head, " how long were you camping there ? God I hate campers. "

General Reekman stood up, he glanced around the room, " Didn't I call All personnel to the command center ? "

" Yuh huh. " Han mumbled still looking at the monitor.

" So we have what, eight people in total ? Did everyone else just say - fuck it, Han and Chewbacca are going, WE don't need to go - what the fuck is going ON around here ?! " Reekman flipped out.

Theepio suddenly started doing a great techno dance around the command center.

" Oh, " Reekman watched the protocol droid, " I'm sorry about that, it all makes sense now. "

And it really did, seriously.


End file.
